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Author’s notes:
Nothing is as embarrassing as admitting your real thoughts to your siblings
I cannot imagine a worst situation to be responsible for with a loved one
"I don't think that is how the world works, but no I'm not sure how I'm going to return to her. Every time I open a door it seems to be a random universe and when I tried to walk back through the door to a universe I already visited I couldn't. It was like a solid wall I could see through. I could see you on the other side of the door, but I couldn't reach back through. Sorry, not you but a different you." I explained as I poured the drink into another cup with ice and then poured it back and forth a few times to mix everything together before handing it to her. "Here, drink this. I'm not sure, but my version of you likes this and I always enjoy making it."
"Oh, this is good! What's it called?" She asks.
"Inner Peace" I smirk.
She starts sipping quietly on her drink. I can tell from her furtive looks and little sighs that she hasn't given up on getting me to stay and part of me really wants to. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not nearly as certain what to do in this situation as I keep trying to sound.
"I know that look and I guess I'll agree to that." I say.
"You will? Really?!" she smiles back with her flickering hope.
"Yes, I'll stay tonight and sleep on it and we can come back to this tomorrow. Now, what were you planning on making for dinner?" I ask her. Hopefully, with some food and sleep we can come up with a better idea of how we can avoid breaking each other's hearts even more than they already are.
There are many ways to wake up and I've tried most of them at this point, but my favorite was today's type. The smell of a hot freshly made breakfast wafting in as you wake up is probably the best way to wake up from dreams that pull your emotions in every direction. Thankfully, within minutes of waking I'd already forgotten what was so distressing to dream about.
"Wow! what's all this I see before me?!" I said cheerfully as I walked back into the kitchen after a night's rough sleeping.
"Well, I thought it would be fun to make breakfast and next thing I knew I'd made all this." She said with a cheerful smile.
"It's been a while since I've had a good breakfast so I'm happy to see the oversized meal. Are you about to finish or do you have anything else to do?" I asked as I sat down at the table stacked with all our childhood favorites.
"Almost, just give me another 5 and I'll sit down with you, but go ahead and get started." She responded as she continued her humming and dancing while working at the stove.
I could tell this was all a way for her to use up the nervous energy she'd kept from the night before and who was I to turn down all of her tasty effort.
One rule our family had abided by growing up that kept us in good stead was the "wake up" rule. No talking about anything serious unless absolutely necessary before everyone had a chance to fully wake up and it looked like the same was true for Sarah. We both smiled at each other and traded little compliments and short memories of each other while we enjoyed a delicious meal together. Then Sarah asked a question that was loaded enough to take down a whale. "So, how'd you end up here?" I wasn't sure how to answer at first. "Uhm... It's a long story I think." I responded.
"We've got time. Come on! I'm curious." She then pleaded simply, "Please?!"
"Okay, let's go over to the couch unless you're still eating." I suggest.
"Nah, I'll just take my plate with me." She says with her mouth half-full and a giggle.
"Are you settled in?"
"Yup"
"So, I guess this starts back in college. Did you ever meet my friend Kate?"
"The cute little fireball with matching hair?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Guess this world is really similar to back home? Anyway, when I first met her we just got each other, but she was already seeing someone so we became friends. She dated this guy all through college that was just a P.O.S. Nothing to do with him dating her. He just had a crap personality and I had a hard time just chatting with him without getting annoyed with his uninformed and frankly jerk opinions. So after a year or so I only saw her on occasion when he wouldn't be around as much or at parties. Eventually, they both dropped out of college and I saw her even less, but we stayed in contact and chatted online. I'd still go visit her on occasion. I didn't see her for a few months and apparently it was a very eventful time because during that time she kicked him out and started dating someone else. I was annoyed I'd missed a chance to start dating her, but figured I'd probably have a chance after this guy. She was still the only person I knew that I never worried about being misunderstood by and he was a much better person in general so I was visiting and hanging out with them more. It was a great time."
"So, you were just staying friends because you wanted to date her? that doesn't sound like a good friend to me."
"No, I was staying friends because I liked being her friend. It's hard to find someone who shares all your humor and you can just relax and be yourself around. That's why I stayed friends with her. In all those years I just never found anyone else that I dated for more than a few months before it became obvious we weren't a good match. So, yeah, I still had hopes maybe we could eventually start dating and seeing if there was more there between us. It's hard finding dates when you have standards. At least it was for me where I lived." I told her as I realized that if I was going to continue with this story I was going to need to be a bit more distracted while I told the emotional parts. "It's a nice day. Wanna go outside? Maybe walk around?"
"Hey, that's not the end of the story. Are you trying to avoid telling me something?" She said with sibling suspicion.
"No, I just need a change of location and a break before I continue."
The backyard was pretty. Someone had taken the time to landscape a cozy little hideaway. Though, I just realized I hadn't seen any signs of anyone else living there. What kind of work did she do? Yeah, I was definitely distracting myself from thinking about what happened next and how immature and stupid it made me seem. Maybe I really am just immature and stupid?
"Hey! Are you still here? You look a million miles away." Sarah said standing in front of me.
I quickly focused back on her, "Oh, sorry, guess my mind was just wandering there for a minute. What were you saying?"
"I was saying," she said a little annoyed, "So, what happened next?"
Ugh, I was hoping I could stall longer. Guess there's no time like the present. "So, she got engaged to him."
She looked a little surprised and annoyed, "Ok, and? That sorta thing happens... Wait... What did you do?"
I looked back at her in surprise. "Nothing! She was really happy and I was happy for her. They really seemed to like each other."
My sister looked at me with suspicion born of growing up with another version of me, "Uh huh, and no one you dated in those intervening years ever lived up to the standards you'd set with the imaginary version of her? Oh, I think I'm starting to see where this is going. Though that still doesn't explain how you got here."
I looked plaintively back at her hoping she wasn't prejudging me too harshly, but maybe that could be a good thing. She wouldn't want me to stay around if she didn't like this version of me. Then I continued, "It will and what imaginary version of her?"
She laughed a little mockingly, "The one that you were already dating since college. You may have stayed friends, but I'm willing to bet you've gone on a few imaginary dates in your head. Wait, did you go on those imaginary dates while you were on actual dates with other people?"
Oh, this is not going well. I don't like the direction her imagination is going with this. Also, it's very unfair. She's not even giving me a chance to defend myself. She's just accusing.
She continued, "No wonder no one lived up to your standards. You weren't there to begin with. You were just judging them against an impossible perfection."
"Hey!" I interjected, "I was there. How can you not be there on your own date? I tried my best to be charming and get to know them. They just weren't the person I was looking for."
She snorted. She actually snorted at that. How rude. She wasn't even taking me seriously at this point. She eventually got out with a few more giggles, "Of course they weren't who you were looking for. That person was involved with someone else who wasn't you. And, if you're playing out a second date with an imaginary person the whole time you weren't on that date to begin with. You were in your head again just like you were a few minutes ago when we walked outside. You develop a relationship with a person whose mind is never there with you. You have to stay present and have all your attention on them. That's how you show that you care. You stay with them." and with that she started choking up and crying.
Yeah, I did not see that one coming. What should I say? I've never been good with saying stuff when someone is upset. Usually, I just make it worse. So, I put my hand on her shoulder and pulled her toward me. (When in doubt, hug it out, maybe?) Then I said the line that usually worked if nothing else did. "I'm sorry, you're right. I probably wasn't there. I mean..." I lost my train of thought. What had I said that had gotten her so upset? Then she managed to sputter, "What? Oh, that's not it. Well, it sorta is, but no I..." and her voice caught as she tried to force out the words, "miss y... y... you!" she then blurted, "I mean him! It's not fair, why couldn't he stay present and here?! Why did he..." and with the last of her strength she managed to say, "LEAVE!" and then it was just tears and hugging.