Fillmore Spring Report: Slugs Are Thriving, Teens Are Feral, Crawfish Prices Are Criminal
Fillmore Quarterly News — Spring Edition
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Welcome back to Fillmore News!
Fillmore’s Spring Edition reports that Easter and Passover prep is ramping up (including a warning to stop dyeing baby chicks and to buy ham early), while garden season inspires optimistic seedling buying and an ongoing “slug war.” Spring Break has teens sleeping all day and prowling pantries at night, sports are back as America’s preferred way to “touch grass” without feelings, and crawfish prices are so high the town is considering a bleak community potato boil. Tornado season and chaotic temperature swings are on the way, farmers markets are returning with pricey sourdough and compost drama, the classifieds are a mess, and the Super Secret Underground Bakery is taking orders for challah and babka to boost morale.
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Fillmore Spring Report: Slugs Are Thriving, Teens Are Feral, Crawfish Prices Are Criminal
Fillmore Quarterly News — Spring Edition
By Glory Fink
HOLY SEASON PREP
Easter prep is upon us. Folks are incubating eggs to sell chicks right before Easter. Please stop dyeing these cursed chicks. I swear the dye zaps these chicks’ will to live. Just put a little colored bow tie on them and call it a day.
Easter and Passover are almost here. Be sure to get your Easter ham at your Corner Grocery Store—sales will be starting soon—just as Jesus, kosher Jesus intended….
Leave the lamb and chicken roasts for our local Jewish community (Passover starts Wednesday, April 1, 2026). And leave the last of the winter squashes for our teen and young adult vegans to roast, as these vegans roam the grocery stores and farmers markets with their last bit of moral fortitude. (Just kidding. We all know the vegans among us stopped eating meat to help quell their violent urges to start the revolution before the midterms begin.)
Shopping Tip:
If you wait until Saturday evening the week before Easter, Sunday April 5th, 2026 , the only ham left will be one that looks like it has a backstory. Buy early. Protect your peace.
GARDEN REPORT
Nothing makes a person feel alive like buying twelve plants you have no intention of watering consistently.
It’s time to start planting your seedlings—those little plants of hope rooted in balls of dirt and compost. Maybe this year the slugs will migrate to your neighbor’s yard and ignore your tomato and zucchini starts. Maybe this year your basil won’t die like it heard a rumor about you and took it personally. Maybe this year you won’t stand in your kitchen at midnight whispering, “Why did I buy cilantro again,” like it’s a confession.
Slug Forecast:
High. Always high. They are thriving. They have plans. They have little wet meetings at night where they assign targets. Leave them an offering in order to stay on their good side.
TEEN ACTIVITY REPORT
Spring Break is upon us—a relief to all teenagers who have been breathlessly planning their jam-packed week of staying in their rooms to sleep all day and roam their kitchens all night, looking for morsels and treats their families have left out in hopes they’ll apply to good colleges and stay away from the art school gulag recruiters and music conservatory wardens.
Parent Advisory:
If you hear a mysterious rustling at night, it’s not a ghost. It’s your child looking for serotonin in the pantry.
SPORTS DESK: TOUCHING GRASS, AMERICANALLY
Baseball and golf season is upon us: the wonderful ways Americans have found to distract themselves while spending time in nature touching grass, without ever having to process a single emotion in the fresh air.
SEAFOOD CRISIS: THE GREAT CRAWFISH DEFICIT
This is normally the time of year for crawfish boils, but with boiled crawfish selling for more than $7/lb, Fillmoreans are having to look at alternatives.And yes, we have heard the whisperings of a community potato boil.
But really—it’s difficult to get excited about a community potato boil. A potato boil is not A Boil, it is a group coping mechanism. It’s less “festival” and more “we have gathered together to accept what’s been taken from us.” Regardless of whatever the Irish have to say…
Economic Outlook:
Bleak for crawfish. Strong for potatoes. Unclear for morale.
WEATHER CRIMES & PUBLIC SAFETY
Also: tornado season is warming up, which means the weather will be 83 degrees on Tuesday and 42 on Thursday. Dress in layers like an onion with secrets. Locate your safest interior room now so you can ignore it later in a panic while standing in your hallway holding a flashlight that hasn’t had working batteries since the Clinton Administration.
Or you can choose the local alternative: standing on your front porch squinting into the middle distance screaming, “WHY is the siren going off?!? I don’t see NUTHIN!!”
FARMERS MARKET DISPATCH
And finally, farmers markets are coming back: where you can pay $9 for sourdough, buy “local honey” that tastes like somebody’s aunt’s backyard, and overhear a heated argument about compost like it’s more important than our current foreign policy.
CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: one (1) affordable crawfish boil. Must not require a second mortgage.
For Sale: seedlings that looked great yesterday and are now acting dramatic.
Lost: my will to live during pollen season. If found, return to the nearest antihistamine aisle.
Found: a teen’s phone charger. It’s in the couch crack with three old French fries and the broken dreams of 2020.
PAID ANNOUNCEMENT (NOT A SCAM, JUST CARBS)
The Super Secret Underground Bakery is now accepting orders.
Challah
Small loaf: $6 each • 2 for $10
Large loaf: $10 each • 2 for $17
Babka (Cinnamon or Chocolate)
Small: $8 each • 2 for $15
Large: $12 each • 2 for $20
Disclaimer: purchasing baked goods will not lower crawfish prices, but it may improve morale.
Spring is here, the pollen has declared war, and Fillmore remains undefeated—thriving, spiraling, and fully moisturized. Hydrate, be kind, and don’t trust a ham with a backstory. This concludes the Spring Edition: may your seedlings thrive, your teens see daylight, and your crawfish budget be forgiven.
Bonus! Leia and the Buttermilk Cornbread
