A dark humor story originally published in 2021 as part of the Authortube Audiobook Anthology Vol 2
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From: Ellie Sue <hehawfan88@millardinternet.us>
To: Whole Family & Friends Email List
Subject: Mabel woke up dead, this morning
Dear y’all,
Sad news. I’m sending you this group email to let you know that Mabel woke up dead, this morning. What a shock! Hugs all around <3
We took her directly to her doctor and he thinks she had a stroke in her sleep and has been infected with Obitus Intermittens (Intermittent Death) or as my son calls it, IRL Zombie Disease. Doc says the disease should run its course in about 72 hours, in other words, how long it takes for the dead to be really, really dead. Mabel disagreed with Dr. Deedlee’s diagnosis and insists she just has a faint heartbeat that’s hard for most people to hear with a stethoscope. She’s agreed to be a good sport about it. We then took her to Fillmore’s finest funeral home so she could make her own arrangements like picking out the wood finish for her casket.
Most of y’all probably remember that the newly deceased suffering from Zombie Disease often experience bouts of confusion and disorientation and have been known to take vehicles and cause mayhem. The funeral home staff asks for everyone attending Mabel’s Testimonials & Viewing, Funeral or Graveside Service, please lock your car if it’s not equipped with a pulse oximeter in your vehicle door handles which causes your car to auto lock when a new decedent attempts to drive it.
Auntie Mabel wanted me to let y’all know that she lived a full and happy life. She met Willy Jim while working at the Piggly Wiggly. A year later they married and had Hunter. The girls, Tammy Rae and Mindy, followed in due order. A tumultuous few years later Uncle Willy Jim died in that freak tractor trailer explosion. It was Willy Jim who saw potential in Mabel and encouraged her to get her certification as a Piggly Wiggly manager.
Mabel then became manager of the Winn Dixie and met Bobby Joe who was a visiting ServSafe inspector. 9 months later, Bobby Joe and Mabel’s son Tyler, was born. A few months after Tyler’s birth,, Mabel married Bobby Joe and life went well for a few years despite Uncle Bobby Joe’s frequent overnight trips throughout the state for his job. Uncle Bobby Joe’s unfortunate passing in a terrible TGIFriday’s kitchen gas explosion came as a dreadful reminder of the danger health inspectors face every day.
After that, Mabel decided to go to school to become a teacher, and that’s where she met Jephro. He was her faculty advisor at Millard Fillmore College. She got the degree and the man of her dreams. With Uncle Jeph’s encouragement, Mabel started teaching business classes at the college and has received several student appreciation awards. In particular, the highly prestigious Faculty of The Year Award for her innovative “Just Smile and Nod” campaign for advising faculty members to simply smile and nod instead of speaking their minds anytime they want to criticize a student about anything outside of their class subject matter.
Mabel is preceded in death by her son Hunter Munroe Bunker who died 5 years ago from a dynamite explosion at Lake Sehoy, her first two husbands, William James Bunker and Robert Joseph Turdnt in addition to her Mami and Pappy, who perished at the ripe ages of 95 and 96 in that shocking nursing home gas leak explosion at the Fillmore Municipal Senior Care Home. Mabel is survived by her third husband Jephro Alden Crank and three remaining children, Tammy Rae Bunker-Jones, Gladys Mindy Bragg and Ashton Tyler Turdnt, 7 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild.
Mabel wants me to announce that her husband, Jeph will be available for dating next week. He is good at washing, ironing clothes, and fixing cars, but needs someone who enjoys both conjugal relations and cooking, since he set fire to a pan of water last month. He will inherit their 3 bdrm, 3-½ bath home, a 20ft powerboat in addition to his pickup truck, with no liens on any of the listed properties.
From 2-4pm Friday at her home, Mabel will be demonstrating how to make her world famous Whoopie Pies. Only family members and anyone interested in dating her husband, Jeph, may attend. All attendees will be sworn to secrecy.
Mabel’s Testimonials & Viewing will be this Friday from 5-8pm at Nightshade Funeral Home. Childcare and light refreshments will be available. All of Mabel’s friends and family are encouraged to attend her Viewing in order to give personal testimonials to Mabel about how she positively affected their lives and how they’ll miss her. Please save any non-positive testimonials for the Luncheon with the open bar after her graveside service on Saturday.
Mabel’s funeral will be this Saturday from 10am-12pm. Childcare will be available. She said, “If you ever slept with my first husband, Willy Jim, you are excused from attending my funeral.” Since most recently deceased “give up the ghost” within 72 hours, we intend to have a graveside service directly following the funeral at Bubba Hollow Cemetery on Hill People Road. Everyone, including anyone who ever knew Uncle Willy Jim intimately is welcome to attend the graveside service. Lunch and an open bar will follow at Mabel and Jeph’s house on Mama Detwiler Rd.
Flowers may be sent to Nightshade Funeral Home and casseroles may be sent to Mabel and Jeph’s home. If you would like to make a memorial donation on Mabel’s behalf, please send it to the Fillmore Wiener Dog Retirement Farm, Box 27, Old Asylum Road, Fillmore.
Glory! That is fabulous! I love it!