The Stick of Amazeballs, Part 1 by A. Thomas Fink
or why a stick in your whiskey is your new best friend
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Honestly, the quality of alcohol has been plummeting in the last decade. Many low and mid-level alcohols have started tasting more like punishment rather than a social libation. In the 21st century, even the most expensive wines now contain sulfites to extend their shelf-life.
In response to the dearth of paint thinners masquerading as liquor, special pieces of wood with the amazing claim that it can improve the quality of any whiskey is now available for purchase online and in high end liquor stores. In the hope of finding a cure for the current batch of paint thinner whiskeys and bottom shelf bourbons, I investigated what is so special about soaking specialty wood in liquor, and since I love DIY and saving money I made my own.
In the name of science, we gathered around to test the amazing claims that a piece of wood can drastically improve the taste of whiskeys that have been laced with misery and floor-stripper.
Tasters: I invited a group of journalists, writers and whiskey connoisseurs. Two of our participants waxed poetic about whiskey while the rest of the participants were just excited about free booze and testing that didn’t involve the undead or talking about lobsters wearing doll sized footwear.
Liquors: Unadulterated Ancient Age, Ancient Age with a whiskey stick, Original Southern Comfort, Southern Comfort with a whiskey stick, Jack Daniels Black Label, Evan Williams Black Label, and Wild Turkey Honey
Method: During each round, a different liquor and a few drops of bottled water were added to each taster’s shot glass to help “bloom” the flavors.
Scoring: All 7 liquors were ordered from 1 to 7 by each taster. Each liquor earned points for taste on a scale from heinous earning 1 point to fabulous earning 7 points. The scores were then totaled, averaged and converted to a 100-point scale giving the final score.
Here is what our tasters said after trying each alcohol:
Ancient Age (straight from the liquor store)
Aromas: “Top shelf nail polish” and “sweet”
Flavors: “Weak Jack Daniels”
Drinkability: Only drink when you’re desperate
Total Points: 33
Ancient Age (Aged with 2 different kinds of wood sticks for a total of 3 months)
Aromas: “Woody”, “old leather”, “Mad Men” and “with less of a lighter fluid smell than the other (original Ancient Age)”
Flavors: Smooth
Drinkability: Tastes Great
Total Points: 92
Southern Comfort (straight from the liquor store)
Aromas: “Harsh” and “fruity lighter fluid”
Flavors: “Very sweet”, “cough medicines” and “Robitussin”
Drinkability: Only drink when you’re desperate
Total Points: 43
Southern Comfort (Aged with 1 stick for a total of 1 month)
Aromas: Lightly fruity
Flavors: Mildly sweet with a gentle taste of cherry and apricot
Drinkability: Tastes Great
Total Points: 90
Evan Williams Black Label (straight from the bottom shelf of the liquor store)
Aromas: Acrid, “Don’t drink it!”
Flavors: “Rough”, “Spicy cow pastures”, “OMG! Pass.”, “It hurts my throat”
Drinkability: Only serve to people you despise
Total Points: 19
Jack Daniels Black Label (straight from the liquor store)
Aromas: “Like whiskey”
Flavors: “A little fruity and sweet, but with a mild burn”
Drinkability: Only drink when you’re desperate
Total Points: 44
Wild Turkey Honey (straight from the liquor store)
Aroma: "Honey"
Flavors: "Honey and whiskey"
Drinkability: Tastes Great
Total Points: 66
Summary: Both of the highest scoring whiskeys were aged with sticks and had an all around appeal like winning the office fantasy league pool.
Future plans include gifting every taster with their own stick for Christmas and pitting top shelf whiskeys against stick aged whiskeys in a blind tasting tournament bracket where the winner takes all!
In Part 2 of this article, I’ll detail how you can make these amazing wooden flavor sticks for yourself and greatly improve the quality of what you’re drinking and storing in your liquor cabinet